


John: Pester Karkat

by emilyenrose



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog, kinkmeme fills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyenrose/pseuds/emilyenrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For this prompt: 'karkat shows john some troll porn. it turns out to be very different from human porn.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	John: Pester Karkat

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- 

  
EB: hey karkat!!!  
CG: WHAT  
EB: nothing much i just kind of miss the old days i guess!  
EB: well not the fighting so much  
EB: or the end of the world  
EB: or worrying about everyone  
EB: but it used to be pretty fun when you were trolling me!  
EB: once it stopped being annoying i mean  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN BLATHERING ABOUT THAT WAS LITERALLY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY THE WORST PERIOD OF MY LIFE  
CG: UNLESS THERE IS A WORSE PERIOD STILL TO COME  
CG: WHICH I GUESS IS POSSIBLE  
CG: BUT IN ANY CASE I DON'T SEE ANY FUCKING POINT IN TALKING LIKE THIS  
CG: WHEN WE ARE ALL LIVING IN THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE  
CG: IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE VEIL STILL  
CG: EXCEPT WORSE  
CG: BECAUSE NOW THERE ARE FOUR MORE MORONS RUNNING AROUND AND BEING ROMANTIC FAILURES AND THEN CRYING ABOUT IT  
CG: WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY  
EB: i think it was yours actually karkat!  
EB: anyway it'd be pretty lonely if we did the troll thing and all went off and lived by ourselves  
EB: so it was a good idea  
EB: although i'm sorry all the romance is getting on your nerves!  
EB: is it because of Terezi and Dave?  
EB: i guess that must be kind of upsetting  
CG: ...  
EB: you and her were a thing right??  
CG: NOT ANY KIND OF THING THAT YOU'D UNDERSTAND, HUMAN  
EB: aw you are upset  
EB: you only call me human when you're upset  
EB: i thought you were a matesprit thing! is that the right word? eridan has been telling me more about it  
CG: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR CONCEPTION OF TROLL ROMANCE FROM THAT PATHETIC DESPERATE NOOKSUCKER  
CG: NO ONE ELSE WILL EVEN TALK TO HIM ANYMORE  
CG: PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS BOTH EMBARRASSING AND A SERIAL KILLER  
CG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU  
EB: well i feel sorry for him i guess...  
EB: and i'm not sure if he still counts as a serial killer if everyone he killed came back to life!  
CG: YES HE DOES  
CG: HE STILL KILLED THEM  
CG: AND I STILL HATE HIM  
CG: PLATONICALLY  
CG: WHAT HAS HE EVEN BEEN TELLING YOU  
CG: HE PROBABLY GOT IT ALL WRONG  
CG: SEEING AS HE HAS NEVER HAD A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP IN HIS LIFE  
CG: AND NEVER WILL  
CG: BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WILL TALK TO HIM IS A WRIGGLING PINK HUMAN GRUB  
EB: um well  
EB: i was trying to work out where human romance things fit into the troll system!  
EB: because i mean Dave and Terezi and Kanaya and Rose are all managing  
EB: so...  
EB: anyway i asked him about love and pity  
EB: he wasn't really helpful actually!  
EB: and he said some weird stuff  
EB: like buckets are dirty in your culture right?  
EB: (check me out i am so culturally sensitive)  
EB: so what does it mean if someone says you can borrow their bucket?  
CG: UM  
CG: I AM HONESTLY NOT SURE I'M OKAY WITH TYPING THE ANSWER TO THAT  
CG: WAIT DID HE SAY THAT TO YOU?  
EB: yeah!  
EB: he showed me some comics too  
EB: they were really cute i thought!  
CG: COMICS LIKE  
CG: WHAT  
EB: um let me think  
EB: there was one with these two trolls strangling each other?   
EB: and a bucket!  
EB: lots of them had buckets in them  
CG: DO YOU MEAN LIKE  
CG: HANG ON LET ME FIND SOMETHING  
CG: I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WASH MY HARD DRIVE WITH BLEACH  
CG: WAS IT STUFF LIKE THIS <http://bit.ly/gI89nY>  
EB: well with trolls obviously but yeah  
EB: wait  
EB: wait  
EB: is that porn?  
EB: did he show me kinky troll porn?  
CG: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING MORON I AM GENUINELY AMAZED THAT YOU ARE STILL ALIVE  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET FUCKING ERIDAN HIT ON YOU  
CG: HE WILL PROBABLY SWITCH TO TRYING TO SERIAL KILL YOU WHEN YOU SAY NO.   
EB: i'm not sure it's really possible for him to kill me serially!  
EB: there's only one of me left...  
EB: do you think he was hitting on me?  
CG: OF COURSE HE WAS FUCKING HITTING ON YOU  
CG: IT'S FUCKING ERIDAN  
CG: THE MOST DESPERATE PATHETIC EMBARRASSING EXCUSE FOR A TROLL THERE HAS EVER BEEN  
CG: THERE WASN'T EVEN A WORD FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT IN TROLL  
CG: BEFORE WE HAD TO IMPORT THE HUMAN NAME FOR IT IN ORDER TO DESCRIBE ERIDAN  
CG: STAY AWAY FROM HIM JOHN  
EB: um you're not the boss of me karkat!  
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM SHOWING ACTUAL FUCKING CONCERN FOR YOUR WELFARE HERE  
CG: THIS IS THE HUMAN EMOTION CALLED FRIENDSHIP ALL RIGHT?  
CG: AS PAINFUL AS I FIND IT TO BE CONSTANTLY INVOLVED IN EVERYONE ELSE'S APPALLING ROMANTIC DISASTERS  
CG: I FIND IT EVEN WORSE WATCHING THE MESS THEY MAKE OF IT BY THEMSELVES  
CG: SO I AM TELLING YOU AS A FRIEND  
CG: THAT EVEN GIVEN THE EXTREMELY LIMITED POOL AVAILABLE  
CG: YOU COULD DO SEVERAL THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN ERIDAN  
CG: LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE IN FACT   
CG: WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT  
CG: EVEN ME  
EB: are you hitting on me now karkat?  
CG: ...  
EB: lol just kidding!   
EB: anyway you don't have to worry because i definitely definitely am not interested in eridan like that  
EB: i didn't realize i was leading him on but i will explain  
EB: oops  
EB: troll romance sure is confusing!  
EB: i think human romance would be much easier  
EB: but sadly the only unattached human left is my sister  
EB: so i will have to keep on struggling with it!  
EB: maybe you should show me some movies with troll matthew mcconaughey in them  
CG: IF THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES TO STOP YOU FROM LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY WITH SCARF-WEARING HIPSTER SERIAL KILLER DOUCHEBAGS  
CG: I SUPPOSE I COULD  
CG: EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU'D UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE SUBTLETIES  
CG: SO THE WHOLE THING WOULD ACTUALLY BE A TOTAL FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME  
EB: ok it's a date!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- 

CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT


End file.
